Adorable sexy badass...

... I thought I would say that to make you feel better.

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Believe: Believe in all you love--
hear, the Prince of Peace is crying
--and know that it will win; of

everything that's fighting,
only peace can win over
all. Only peace is wanted by the unknown soldier.

Better about what? Should I be feeling poorly?

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"I know, I know, fucking adorable. I can't escape it."

Since you said adorable I thought I would make you feel better by calling you a adorable sexy badass.

--
Believe: Believe in all you love--
hear, the Prince of Peace is crying
--and know that it will win; of

everything that's fighting,
only peace can win over
all. Only peace is wanted by the unknown soldier.

You're incredibly thoughtful, thank you.

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Advanced? I was only gonna say well done.

Let's try some stuff:
"the string theory of your chest hair,"
You know how everywhere in the news they talk about string theory - well when I read string theory anywhere I immediately think of the fashionable news articles that I dislike. This has nothing to do with critique, I'm sorry.

I think it's brilliant. I'm having difficulties thinking of good critique for 'string theory' and 'like a newborn god' (the two bits I mildly dislike) since I end up arguing both sides of the possibilities with myself and you're probably very happy with both lines. Good day.

String theory is one of those things I really love (probably because I pay no attention to fashionable mainstream news), but I'd be happy to hear any good critique of the line you might have.

I don't like the newborn god line either. It seems more than overdone. But the feeling I had at the precise moment the poem is about is much huger than I was able to put into words. And I did feel like I had the whole universe in my arms, I couldn't think of any creature besides a god who'd be able to embrace something so large. So if you wanna argue both sides somewhere I could read them, I'd be grateful...

But if you don't, I thank you for what you've already said.

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I mentioned string theory is a phrase I dislike because it is so popularised and every day. It is as though it has lost its physics meaning and is now layman's term to refer to all things that one can't understand. Of course, it retains meaning in physics, and so in reality it is perfectly fine. Perhaps I would change the line to "the unknown dimensions of your chest hair," or similar, though dimensions suggests simply 'size' rather than what I mean.

'God' connotes religion directly, to me, rather than awe and hugeness. You move from the intimate 'knees folded under knees,' to the all-encompassing, which is really nice, but that God word sticks in my mind instead of the other beautiful phrases. It also drags up 2001 with monoliths and the psychodelic foetus scene. What would I replace it with to retain the move from small to as-big-as-it-gets? I might try to avoid God and stick with an atheist approach somehow invoking space-time, like creating a new time dimension, or something. But I have no idea how to write that without being really corny. God is simple and works; my preconceptions are to blame for attaching less excellent meanings.

I like the simplicity of god, and I like to think that the newborn part (and the lack of capitalization) will distance the line somewhat from Big Father God in people's minds... though you are clearly proving me wrong on that one. And I doubt many people would get a Dr Manhattan reference (if I could figure out how to work it in). In any case, I am not an atheist, exactly, and don't associate god with religion, and don't mind writing a non-atheist poem.

I see what you mean about string theory, but I can't think of anything that fits better.

Just because I'm not heeding your suggestions doesn't mean I don't appreciate them, by the way. I think they're great.

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My pleasure