Creation and the Garden of Eden
To Do List:
[x] Create the heavens and the earth.
[x] Let there be light.
[x] Separate the light from the dark.
[x] Call the light Day; call the dark Night.
[x] Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters and call the firmament Heaven.
[x] Let dry land appear; call the dry land Earth and call the waters Seas.
[x] Let the Earth put forth vegetation.
[x] Let there be lights in the firmament of Heaven; let them be signs for seasons, days, and years.
[x] Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the Earth.
[x] Give them the reproductive gifts to be fruitful and multiply.
[x] Let the Earth bring forth living creatures.
[x] Let us make man in out image; male and female.
[x] Let him have dominion over every creeping thing that creeps upon the Earth.
[x] Give man plants to have for food.
[x] Give every green plant to the animals to have for food.
[x] Let there be cable television.
[x] Watch some TV.
[ ] Let man have the brains to survive without divine intervention every five minutes.
[ ] Let there be world peace.
After he was done with Creation™, he placed man and woman in the Garden of Eden. And then God dangled the figurative candy bar in front of the man’s nose, saying, ‘Eat whatever you want. Oh, except for that really big tree, the one over in the middle with the huge, delicious apples.’
So the man, understandably enough, asked, ‘Well God, why can’t I eat from the big tree which makes the wonderfully delicious apples?’
And heaving a huge sigh of frustration, God caved. ‘Because, if you eat the apple, you’ll become unspeakable wise and know almost as much as myself, and I’ve made this whole thing to test your devotion. If you fail, you’ll be expelled from the Garden forever, and all of your descendant for thousands of years afterwards will be subjected to pompous old men calling them sinful because of it. Now shut up, man, or I’ll never give you a real name.’
‘Oh...’ man said, slightly confused.
‘And also, if you eat an apple, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re ass naked, and I won’t be able to watch you and woman dance around the Garden anymore. And damn, that would blow.’
The snake had heard all this, and since he was incredibly smarter than anything else in that Garden (including man, and probably God), he decided to talk to woman, inquiring politely, ‘Did God tell you not to eat at all?’
‘Naw,’ woman replied. ‘We can eat, just not that big tree that’s over there, right in the middle, with the huge, delicious apples. Because God said that if I eats an apple, I’ll be all smart and stuff. And I’ll know, uh... a lot. And I’ll put clothes on then, and God don’t want that.’
‘So, why won’t you eat? It does make you wise and all.’
‘Well, erm... well, God told us, uh, he told us not to.’
‘DID HE OR DID HE NOT GIVE YOU FREE WILL, WOMAN?’ the snake screamed, furious at woman’s pathetic lack of self.
So woman had some apple with peanut butter, and it was good, and she was satisfied; she thought to herself Self, she thought, man should feel as satisfied as I do right now. I will give him some apple with peanut butter. Thinking such, woman got out a little tray, and sliced an apple into eights—throwing away the seeds, because they are poisonous—and called man in to open the jar of peanut butter. Together, they ate apple slices with peanut butter.
And together with their newfound wisdom, they realized what other things (besides apples) peanut butter is good on, so when they heard God walking around in the Garden, they hid, because that is something for your own private space.
However, God is nothing if not persistent, and he called out to man, ‘Where are you?’ The sound of his voice frightened man and woman, so they tried to comb their hair quickly, and covered themselves with a blanket sewed out of figs leaves.
Walking around the corner, God saw them and was alarmed. ‘Why aren’t you naked?’ he asked. ‘Don’t you remember me specifically saying that clothes are evil?’
‘Y-yes,’ woman said hesitantly, trying to rid her hair of leaves. ‘But you startled us.’
‘That really pisses me off,’ God said. ‘I give you one simple instruction: do not eat from that big, wonderful tree right in the middle with the huge, delicious apples that will make you eternally wise, and you disobeyed me! It’s not the hard to understand, people!’
‘It was the serpent,’ man interjected. ‘He shoved it down our throats; he made us eat it. We were force fed!’
Yes indeed... these were some dramatic goings-on in our humble little spot o’ paradise.
‘OUT! Out of the Garden, everybody! And you, Serpent... you will crawl on your belly, and you will dust ‘til ya die. And you’ll also bruise woman’s children—no killing, just bruising of the heel—and her children will bruise your head. And you, woman,’ he said, turning. ‘Every time you have a kid, it’s gonna hurt like a motherfucker, and you’ll be screaming in pain for hours. But, you won’t be able to stop having kids, ‘cause your sonofabitch of a husband is gonna rule over you completely.’
But even all this was not enough for God, vengeful ass that he was back in the day. ‘Man, your name will be Adam, and your wife’s name will be Eve. And because you ate from the big tree right in the middle with the huge, delicious apples, the ground is cursed. That’s right, because of you. You’re gonna work in that field every day of your life, and eat bread until you turn back into the dust you are.’
And God breathed a huge sigh of a relief, and turned to the cherubim, and said, ‘Glad that’s over... man, good thing he didn’t get to the Tree of Life too; we woulda had another God on our hands, and that’s just not acceptable. By the way, would mind taking this flaming sword and standing above that gate over there to keep people out for, say, the next ten million years?’
‘No problem, sir,’ the cherubim barked, flashing a snappy salute.